I realized an irony. As I went through the first surgical procedures I had ever had in my whole life and the several days following these I experienced less fear, less anxiety than I had in a long time. My only job and concern was surgery and recovering from it. I didn’t have to worry about work or chores or anything like that. All I had to do was get better. For once there was not guilt or at least not nearly as much.
The hard part is knowing now that I have so many things I could easily worry about. I realized I live a lot of my life out of fear-fear of not getting paperwork done, fear of being fired, fear of my apartment becoming an unfixable mess. I am now having to learn to carry that same quality of truly relaxing into my daily life in spite of the fears. I have to learn how to get stuff done without my to do list stirring up fear. I have to learn to only focus on the important things. I have to learn how to show myself grace rather than let my life be ran by myself as my own personal tyrant.
I want to take the permission I felt to relax and care for myself to carry over to daily life. I want to stop feeling guilty and living my life out of fear of repercussions and fear of failure. I want to continue learning that while it is important to not overly procrastinate the things I need to do, that rest and relaxation has to be included in that. Although I would not recommend going thru back to back surgeries to learn these lessons like I have, I will admit I have learned alot from this experience nonetheless.